do I know what I'm doing?

So, you're probably wondering: this girl, has she got any idea? In short, no.

But a newspaper here recently took eight sets of stock tips from experts, an astrologer, a schoolchild and a dartboard - yes, a dartboard - and guess who won? The dartboard. If I had a monkey, I'd let it pick my stocks. Actually, one day I might let my two-year-old son have a go. Just watch me.

These are my starting rules: I'll probably add more.

1) Big trades. $5,000 minimum. Any less and I lose too much in brokerage - $30 to buy, $30 to sell.

2) When I reach my target, get out. If I've set a $300 profit target for a particular trade, I sell then. And no whingeing later about how I could have made $500. The point is to make a little bit every day, not somehow double my money in a day (though that would be nice).

3) Play percentages. Who cares if a stock only goes up ten cents: if it started at two dollars, that's a great return.

4) Floss.